Sharing some of my poems

Guest

Well, I try to write some poetry. I first started to write in my mothertongue, but prefer English. So ... well what do you think about it? Good/bad?

Code:: ANALYZIS

I’m just a shell
Totally empty
   On the inside
DEAD!
All the tears that I had
Have been shed
A loud echo
Is the one thing
That’s left
NUMB
Walking around
   Not knowing what to do
   Not knowing who I am
   Anymore
The old me has left
The new me is on her way
I’m just a shell
   …

just one for now ... If you want I'll post some others

*edit: had to use the 'code' button for the lay-out

Subject: Re: Sharing some of my poems Thu Jul 26, 2007 8:44 am

I love free-verse. But what, may I ask, is mothertongue?

Oh wait, don't tell me! Is it your first language?

Guest

yup, first language =D

I -'ve tried rhyme in english before ... but ... you can see that it's fabricated ...

Most of my'poetry' is like this ...

Subject: Re: Sharing some of my poems Thu Jul 26, 2007 11:06 am

I give you props for even writing poetry in English. If it was me trying to write in say, French, I'd be like, "What rhymes with suis?"

Guest

Hahaha, thanks!

And I speak French ... and I can't even say a word that rhymes with 'suis' ...

But thank you!

Subject: Re: Sharing some of my poems Tue Sep 04, 2007 8:39 am

I really like the formatting, but you should flesh it out. Why are you a shell? Why are you crying? Why do you feel dead? Some more fleshy adjectives would be great (go to http://www.thesaurus.com for inspiration).

Guest

Thanks or your help Shauna!!!! I'll have a look and see what I could change to improve it ...

The poem, is about all the effort I've put in the divorce of my parents and how I've changed ... not knowing if it's in the good sense or not

I just fell completely drained when I wrote that

» Sharing the Love
» Two new poems...
» 2 new poems
» Buncha Mini-Poems
» I feel like posting some poems so I will