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poetic_s
Guest
| | Subject: Feedback needed. Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:31 pm | |
| Okay.
A close friend of mine, Jon, is writing a poem which means alot to him.
He's not completely done with it, but he'd like some feedback on his concept and the last line of it.
"But we all are like the puppet boy, wishing we were alive"
Him:
PartyCheetos (10:11:27 PM): "Basically, the lyric is based on the concept that not to many people truly live. We work the same job, and repeat it over and over, staring at the computer screen blankly. You can be alive physically, but mentally, sometimes i don't think you live until you find something you truly find a passion for".
All feedback is welcome.
Thanks girls.
<333 |
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Nova_Zer
Guest
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Wed Apr 25, 2007 12:40 am | |
| Is it a song or a poem? Because from wrote he wrote it sounds like he's writing a song but you state it's a poem and I know it doesn't really matter but I'm just curious. Anyway the concept I dig (probably because I've done the same concept myself a few times  ) but the phrase I'm not so sure about; I guess I'd have to hear/read a lil' more that went with it to really get a generalized idea and feel for it ::shrugs:: but that's just me Oh and for some reason it reminds me or Hate in the Box's Bloody Ballerina: "Ballerina, those two perfect slits on your wrists are bleeding.
Ballerina, wound you up with an old rusty key in your back.
Do a pretty pirouhette for me,
Slit lips make you smile so pretty.
Satin cinch your waist in tightly." |
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Kirsty
Number of posts : 8159
Age : 35
Location : Edinburgh, Scotland
Name : Kiki, Kirsty
Registration date : 2007-03-25
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Wed Apr 25, 2007 4:12 am | |
| I dunno...it think it depends on what comes before it. If it's totally out of place then it wont be good.
But then...I've read some poetry which is apparently amazing and wonderful and perfect and I've hated it.
He should just write what he feels and what he wants. I think if you think about poetry too much then it will come out bad.
And yup the concept is good, me likes. | |
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Aelwyndaeira
Number of posts : 3720
Age : 44
Location : Hamilton, Ontario
Name : Shauna
Registration date : 2007-03-28
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:08 am | |
| I like it, and I like the concept of it.  | |
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electrikkk
Number of posts : 1634
Age : 32
Location : Wisconsin
Name : Megan, Meggles
Registration date : 2007-04-25
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:10 pm | |
| I dig it, and the concept of it is deep. =] | |
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Guest
Guest
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Thu Apr 26, 2007 12:11 am | |
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anjelik_dreamin
Number of posts : 3440
Age : 35
Location : Melbourne, Australia
Name : Jessica
Registration date : 2007-03-28
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:24 am | |
| The concepts awesome...i can relate. | |
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Beckygdizzle
Number of posts : 586
Age : 32
Location : Milwaukee
Name : Becky-Sue, babydoll =]
Registration date : 2007-04-24
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Thu Apr 26, 2007 5:31 pm | |
| hehe i got my hands on the finalized poem from mr. jonny himselffff ^_____^
hes an awesome writer! kudos to poetic for posting thiss! | |
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GinaELIZABETH
Number of posts : 3116
Age : 32
Location : Boston, MA
Name : Gina
Registration date : 2007-03-27
| | Subject: Re: Feedback needed. Thu Apr 26, 2007 5:41 pm | |
| I really like it, actually. I'm never into that kind of stuff, but I totally can relate to it, like they said. | |
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